Dear Sir / Madam
I am writing as a matter of urgency concerning the behaviour of you and your like at T20 matches. I write from personal experience having watched T20 blast games in England and I wish to bring up a few issues. Of course I can not speak for the whole country and many of these issues will be place specific; however, there is certainly a wider point to be made here. The behaviour of men and women in business attire specifically at short form cricket games is: irresponsible, bigoted and disgraceful. The phrase ‘it’s just not cricket’ is bandied about a lot these days but in this case it is certainly applicable. Your behaviour which I will outline in this letter ruins the cricketing experience for me and many others, don’t get me wrong I’m all for people having a laugh and a drink at the cricket but using it as a place to get pissed after work on a Friday is bizarre. The pub is cheaper, more sociable and probably more entertaining for you bearing in mind you almost certainly don’t know how many balls there are in an over, or how many short balls are allowed in an over before a no ball is given by the umpire. I shall now divulge the details of your crimes in the hope that you will understand them and hopefully repent in the future, for the good of cricket and my enjoyment please take heed.
“The behaviour of men and women in business attire specifically at short form cricket games is: irresponsible, bigoted and disgraceful”
T20 cricket brings a different crowd to one that you might expect at a test match, and to be fair in no way is that a bad thing. The importance of fresh crowds and new people is key to the longevity of cricket. Furthermore T20 cricket has been crucial in bringing people back to cricket who may not have been for a long time. Despite this, the returning cricket fan can also be a massive nob, especially you bankers and city workers who seem to think that playing under-11 cricket at school makes you a cricketing legend who can offer nuanced insights throughout the game. It’s not just the fact that you people think you know it all when you don’t, it’s that you practically shout out your opinions to the rest of the stand in order to try to gain some cricketing legitimacy. I kid you not, in a game at the Oval last week a man in a full suit clearly just come from work in Central London put on his best Jonathan Agnew impression and posited that: ‘Surrey could do with hurrying up a bit’ … the score was 66-0 at the end of the 6 over powerplay, need I say more. I don’t care if you don’t know what’s going on in the cricket or if you’ve never seen it before but please, please stop pretending you give cutting edge analysis to impress that girl you fancy from work.
“a man in a full suit clearly just come from work in Central London put on his best Jonathan Agnew impression and posited that: ‘Surrey could do with hurrying up a bit’ … the score was 66-0 at the end of the 6 over powerplay”
My next gripe concerns ‘cricket etiquette’, or if you want to put it more plainly: ‘common fucking decency’. Cricket is perhaps the sport where spectator etiquette is the most relevant and important. Of course, the most common spectator error is to move behind the bowlers arm before the ball is delivered and hence distract the batsmen. However, spectator etiquette can also effect fellow crowd members watching the game too. I go to the cricket to have a few drinks while watching a cricket match, plain and simple. What has become increasingly clear to me is that you suits go to the cricket to get absolutely pissed and eat the overpriced Marks & Spencer picnic that you brought in. To clarify, I have no issues with this, each to their own and all that. But what I cannot abide is your tendency to go and get a beer half way through the over, meaning I miss the action. Of course in a test match this is almost forgivable given the nature of the match. But in a limited overs game I’d prefer not to miss Jade Dernbach getting Brendon McCullum out because you had to get another round in. Wait till the end of the fucking over you wankers.
“What has become increasingly clear to me is that you suits go to the cricket to get absolutely pissed and eat the overpriced Marks & Spencer picnic that you brought in”
A product of this excessive drinking is almost always excessive nobishness, which unsurprisingly the blokes in suits excel in. A few drinks in and for some reason you people clearly forget that you are a boring city worker and instead seem to think you are best mates with professional cricketers. You start shouting at the nearest fielder you can find asking him to give you a wave, for you this wave is some sort of affirmation that you are the big dog of the stand and the alpha male of the cricketing world. For all those around you, it makes you look like a total buffoon. I’ll put it simply for you in case you hadn’t got the message already. No Eoin Morgan is not your mate, and no he doesn’t want to talk to a pissed up wanker who keeps asking him to ‘give us a wave’.
You and your like reflect badly not only on yourselves but anyone that sits in your vicinity. So take your spreadsheets and clean shirt and fuck off back to the office.
Everyone who likes cricket but thinks you’re a cock.