A totally accurate prediction of England’s 2025/26 Ashes XI

Because predicting who’ll be picked this winter is just boring.

After a turbulent few years, the England selectors opted for a mix of experience and youth for their 2025/26 Ashes tour to Australia.

1.Alastair Cook

Cook’s 2025 season was temporarily in jeopardy after his sudden divorce from his wife, beset by Cook missing the birth of his third child because he was playing a Division Two County Championship game away at Derbyshire. Any anguish he might have felt quickly disappeared though as he racked up five consecutive hundreds at the end of the season to take him up to 134 first class hundreds. At 40, he is still the first name on the team sheet.

  1. Haseeb Hameed

Recalled into the team after a nine-year absence, the Gabba test will represent just his fourth Test match. After his debut in India many years before showed obvious talent, Hameed never quite replicated that form again. That was until the glorious summer of 2025 where, after a stint as a T20 specialist, he rediscovered the stubborn grit that got England fans so excited all those years ago.

  1. Gary Ballance

With England still seemingly finding themselves two down for not very many every time they bat, the selectors turn back to Gary Ballance hoping that his sixth recall to the team will be more fruitful than his first, second, third, fourth and fifth ones.

  1. Joe Root

Root returns to the side after taking a six-year hiatus from the game after his traumatic run as England captain. Free from the reigns of captaincy, Root will be looking to re-establish himself as England’s premier batsman.

  1. Some insane South African

I don’t know his name yet, he may not even be born yet, but I do know that England’s 2025/26 Ashes side will feature at least one insane South African who qualifies for England with a pretty tenuous link to these shores.

  1. Sam Curran

I mean if he’s this good aged 19, how good is he going to be when he’s 27?

  1. Ben Foakes

Included in the side predominately just to appease fans of wicket-keeping porn. By 2025 his keeping will be so good that even if he averaged two with the bat his place in the side still wouldn’t be under threat.

  1. Not Liam Dawson, but someone equally shit.

Whilst Dawson wouldn’t have played a Test for eight years, somebody else who isn’t really a batsman and isn’t really a bowler will bat eight just so that there’s ‘balance in the side’. It doesn’t matter if he’s shit – as long as he brings balance to the team he’s doing his job.

  1. Tom Curran

Leader of the attack and really fucking good. Kind of like a modern day Kevin Pietersen – a bit of a nob but everyone overlooks that because he’s world class.

  1. Josh Tongue

He’ll be licking his lips at the prospect of playing on fast, bouncy wickets Down Under. Yeh, okay, I did only include him to make that gag.

  1. Moeen Ali

Despite being one of the better batsmen in the team, Moeen insists on batting eleven just so that he can be clear of his role as the team’s main spinner. Batting at the bottom of the order means that there’s no debate about his role in the team – he’s our best spinner.

Coach: Peter Moores

 

 

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